Wanderings

Missing Me

2011-10-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

I rushed home today (like every day), exhausted and ready to give up on the idea of cooking dinner. Driving down our street, I thought of take-out Italian or tacos. As I reached the top of our stairs, I realized the door was locked? Locked? The boys are out?

Realizing I could put my bags down without a baby to carry, I raced to use the restroom before a baby would scream for hugs and play time. Boys still out...could it be I could get a dinner together?

Just having 45 minutes to myself accomplished so much: decompression, bathroom break, change of clothes, a full meal prep WITH CLEANUP, and time to read a couple of recipes and write this blog.

When will "me" time happen again?

Ten Years

2011-01-03T21:18:00.000-08:00

The year 2000 was a transition year for me as I graduated from college and I was set to save the world. I remember the excitement I felt in February as I shoveled snow for the last time, knowing I was moving to California temporarily in June as I venture on to my Peace Corps adventure in the South Pacific later that year.

My whimsical move to California (to help drive a friend cross country in a U-haul) was meant as a fun filled transition stop. I am still here. The Peace Corps fell through as they felt my lungs were not up to the adventure, and I had massive debt from school…that is, I needed to find real work.

As I toiled over my next move (I was still trying to save the world), my mate crossed my path late 2000. Recoiling from the thought of being strapped down by a relationship, I told him not to get attached. We will be married 10 years in September. I guess he got me with the comment, “You can do whatever you want…just don’t leave me”.

Our story is interesting because we almost didn’t meet. His friend Mike stepped in front of my mate’s car to make sure he attended an art show (to help add culture to my mate’s life). I was working for the art show trying to make some commission (while pouring wine), and in walks the man who becomes my best friend and family. Along with Mike, Susy and Steve, I made a little family niche here in California as my siblings are spread out along the east coast.

For the past ten years, I did what I wanted: I earned a graduate degree, found a profession I love, traveled to a few countries, developed a photography business, and met some amazing people.

Now it’s 2011. I am in transition again as I learn to be a mother; but it seems so surreal. Everything seems to be going so fast, and I don’t feel like I am savoring the moments. I cling to my photographs for those memories. I walked by the place I met my mate but it was torn down last year.

And our dear friend Mike, carefree and joyful, passed away January 3rd, 2011, after his long battle with cancer. We are all in disbelief, and my heart breaks for his wife and two young children. He didn’t make his 50th birthday, and his kids are under the age of 10…how is this fair? He will be a bright angel, though, watching us from heaven, helping us cherish the tiny moments that really make life wonderful.

PHOTOS OF MIKE THROUGH THESE YEARS

Ted & Mike wandering Chinatown, 2000

Susi, Mike & Teddy at the Baldwin House, 2000

Mike's Wedding Gift--Taking us to IKEA for furniture, 2001

Mike, Susi, Coco joining in on a visit from Chesca and the girls

Despedida for Mike & Family, 2006

Last Picture of the Azcueta Family before they drove to Milwaukee, WI, 2006

Azcueta 50th Anniversary Celebration in Manila, Philippines, 2007

Mike & Ted, 2007

Mike, Steve and Ted reunite in 2000 after 20+ years

Mike, Steve and Ted in 2006 before Mike leaves for Wisconsin

Motherly Insight

2010-05-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Many people have greeted me a Happy Mother’s Day, which is sweet, but I still don’t feel quite like a mother since the little guy is just using my body to grow. I feel the true test of motherhood is the development of a decent human being who thinks about his/her community, family and overall health of society. While I teach youth and contribute a part to this goal, I still haven’t started my adventure in shaping the future of a little one.

But several women in my life have…particularly one, my own mom. We all go through key developmental stages in life, yet we are all unique. My mother went through seven unique developmental stages of children, and managed to get all us through to where we are now. While she is not perfect and no mother can be, we learned many new things, developed our own unique lives and she continues to support us on our paths.

So now I have a new man about to enter the world, and while I know I won’t be perfect at developing his important life events, I hope I can provide as much support, love and education as my mother does. She (and us) lost her mother this past week to old age so she is using the knowledge Grandma gave her to guide us through our motherhood.

I love you mom.

Birthday Joys

2009-10-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

Helping my mate with his film project, I came across this photo of him and his brother (who is exactly 367 days younger than him) which is perfect.

Happy Birthday Teddy (Oct 24) and Peter (Oct 26)!

Concert Chaos?

2009-10-26T16:27:00.001-07:00

Sitting on the grass, I am soaking up the last strands of the warmth before winter sets in; however, next to me a family discusses the ring tones of email versus a regular call, two women in front of me compare Blackberry photos and applications, and on the other side a mother and son discuss their sandwiches for an hour. By the way, I am sitting at a concert and a group is performing fantastic musical ensembles to deaf ears.

Luckily I sat near the speakers so I could tune out the surrounding distractions. The reasoning behind the distractions was the performers rarely come out on MTV, or Access Hollywood. I don’t know which stores they like to shop at or what ice cream they would eat if they wanted some. But I did know they could play.

I love watching performers play instruments and have fun creating an artistic piece for all of us to enjoy. Dancing is cool and I don’t feel people have to sit down to enjoy a concert, but I do expect some level of listening and appreciation. Is concert going changing that much?

Mind Fog

2009-10-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

Sitting at a desk, staring at a computer that cannot do the work by itself, the papers sit next to me that need to be graded, but I cannot seem to work. Pure exhaustion is all I can ponder at the moment, the thought of my comfortable bed and warm hot chocolate.

Maybe with the onset of the fall/winter raining season, I am stuck. I need to move forward, but cannot move except for my fingers hitting these keys.

Tomorrow I have an evaluation, but I haven't submitted my end of the paperwork. How good of an evaluation can I get if I cannot even muster energy to write up the lesson for the principal? Seven years into teaching and the constant brain warp I go through each year seems more draining...you would imagine it would improve.

I wish I had the power to make time stop for 2-3 hours just so I can catch up at a slow, methodical pace.

I guess this tortoise should get back to work...

Celebrating in 2009

2009-09-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

The year 2009 is not progressing in a joyful nature. The world still reels in financial panic, in February my mate’s father was diagnosed with cancer which claimed his precious life in April, our friend’s sister and brother are fighting severe medical issues, and many notable deaths including Ted Kennedy, Cory Aquino, Walter Cronkite, John Hughes, Michael Jackson, and Farrah Fawcett.

However, one major event this year suppresses the depression from those ills: my grandmother, Irene Schroedl, turns 90 years old on September 3rd. Contemplating all the events from 1919 to now boggles my young mind. Imagine her learning to drive on a Model-T type car, living through the Depression, World War II (which my grandfather served), the crazy 60s, 70s and 80s to see the technology boom of the 90s and living to see the century change, a second attack on US soil, and the world is still changing. She has lived in America with 16 presidents: one assassinated, one resigned and one is an African American!

Growing up, my brothers and sisters and I saw my grandmother about once a year, usually when she and Grandpa would drive from Nebraska in their Holiday Rambler trailer and Suburban to Virginia. We loved that trailer with all the cool secret compartments, peanut dispensers, and living spaces. They had a map with all the states and provinces they had visited in North America. Between my parents and them, my love for travel sprang forth.

Grandma and I played cards every time we would visit each other. Our games included gin, nertz (like a competitive solitaire game), Uno, Skippo and Go Fish. After writing that statement, I realize how little I play cards now since I don’t have anyone to play with. I hope when I become a momma, my kids like playing cards too.

Grandma remembers everything. She remembers every birthday, anniversary, historical event and person in Falls City and so much more. Even now, people go to her to find out some event or person who used to live in Falls City.

I love my grandmother very much and wish I could be in Nebraska during her celebration. She deserves every special wish during the 2009 year.

Grandma and I in 1998

Grandma and Barbara tend to the Ketter site in Falls City, NE (1998)

Grandma gives Barbara a big squeeze (Road trip 1998)

Cooking for All

2009-08-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

So, my ears perk up whenever I hear Michael Pollan’s name on the news or radio. After reading two of his books, Omnivore’s Dilemma and In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto, I pulled into this world of eating, cooking and buying local. In defense of myself, I already believed cooking for oneself is the healthiest (and cheapest) way to enjoy food, but his books, articles, and talks made me feel less isolated. Tonight he spoke on NPR about his recent article in the New York Times Magazine , where he states people watch people cook longer than they do actually cooking:

“Today the average American spends a mere 27 minutes a day on food preparation (another four minutes cleaning up)”

Really??? Am I an anomaly? I spend about 1-2 hours cooking, then about 20 minutes cleaning. I cook almost every night, and maybe go out 1 or 2 meals a week. Most of the time our dinner turns into next day’s lunch because I cook for four (we are only two) and use the leftovers for lunch, unless we have expected or unexpected guests. I love cooking…it’s one of my only consistent creative outlets each day, which is why I relate to Pollan’s assessment of Child’s view on cooking:

“Child was less interested in making it fast or easy than making it right, because cooking for her was so much more than a means to a meal. It was a gratifying, even ennobling sort of work, engaging both the mind and the muscles. You didn’t do it to please a husband or impress guests; you did it to please yourself.”

Is America degenerating that fast that we cannot enjoy cooking anymore? Although the media shows idiotic and stupid people quoting reality TV shows, does that really express us as a whole? Pollan even states, “Erica Gruen, the cable executive often credited with putting the Food Network on the map in the late ’90s, recognized early on that, as she told a journalist, “people don’t watch television to learn things.” I use television to learn things. I am an avid Saturday PBS cooking show viewer, from the obnoxious to the usable. I finally learned how to cut an onion fast enough so I wouldn’t cry.

Most people state they don’t have time to cook, e.g. they are too tired. I am discouraged when I hear why people cannot cook, and even more discouraged when I see the OBESE (sick people walking or not walking around). Even with a biology degree, most people could see how they are chronically ill and wonder how they get the food that makes them so sick? Why do we choose to live this way? I have a difficult time believing that marketing experts deserve our scorn for this chronic disease, although they excel at their profession.

Can we endure with less money to have more time to look for ingredients, cook and live life? I don’t think we need to go completely back to chopping off our own chicken heads (and plucking feathers, etc.) but I do think we need to get back into the kitchen and off the couch.

Peeping World

2009-06-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

Listening to NPR the other day to Hal Niedzviecki, blogger and author to Peep Diaries, I decided I am interested in his perspective on the new “social” exposure on networks. Recently I was asked to join yet another social network so I could keep track of a former co-worker who I haven’t spoken to in two years. If I join (which I won’t), I will be a member of 5 different social networks, which apparently are helping me keep in touch with friends and colleagues while networking for future career options.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed with keeping in touch. Throughout my brief life, I found difficulties picking up the phone to just “chat” unless I had prepared something interesting to talk about. As I get older, I notice that my major events I could talk about are few and far between. When the question arises, “What have you been up to?” the response, “Same as usual.”

So I joined Facebook last summer as a way to stay “in touch” with people I was working with at Stanford. I experienced the initial rush and excitement of finding people I haven’t seen in several years or people I haven’t talked to since high school. Then comes the voyeurism—I want to befriend you just to see where you have gone in life, but do I really care about you now? But I believe you befriend me to do that same life-check. Will we chat? Most likely not. So currently I have about 100 friends, but I could shave about 20 off and we wouldn’t notice any change to our lives. I currently have a friend request that I don’t really want to accept because I haven’t talk to this person in 12 years and we were not that close 12 years ago. Interesting predicament: choosing “friends”. The blogger and author shared on the NPR piece that he decided to throw a party and invite all his 800 Facebook friends, partly to see them, partly to experiment with the friend aspect of Facebook. Only 1 showed up.

So, do we really have friends? I screen away students from Facebook for hopefully obvious reasons, and my contacts are mostly family. I check Facebook in a drug-like fashion (what is new?) along with Multiply, the various blogs I follow, LinkedIn, Ning.com, JPG Magazine, and the list goes on. Maybe I need to unplug for a while.

Time Warp

2009-05-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

May??? Really? My mind seemed to have stopped in February, with grave news that exasperated during March and finalized in April. Now I listen to music I use for comfort, as I need strength to wrap love around my mate.

Strength to deal with the needs of my students, but push them lovingly out of the safety cocoon they made for themselves into the big bad world of deadlines, work and responsibility. To their benefit, they did deal with my lack of physical presence in the classroom and shared kind words and cards…for our loss.

Only one week has passed. Everything seems to have moved quickly but slowly at the same time. My mind has difficulties dwelling over aspects of life I have no control over…like cancer, and a resulting death. But this was a little different as I struggle with the idea of death like a child…what do you mean we cannot talk to him anymore?

Mario (Daddy) Silva, Esq. enjoyed life and people. He LOVED law and research. I admired him so much for being a scholar. He loved that I liked to find stuff out and listened patiently as I excitingly shared new information (or my mate would pass on the new information). Many times people don’t share my enthusiasm for exploring areas of information not in my particular background of science (or even within science as it is so vast). I am a geek and he liked me for it. Mario’s son, my mate and love, shares with him a passion for history and story. Daddy told great stories, with so much enthusiasm that you felt you were there as well. He lived through the invasion of Manila by Japan, then MacArthur, Marcos and so much more. My mate would listen to these stories several times and ask his dad to explain stories he already heard several times. Those are the moments I (and my mate) will miss. The images remaining in my head are Daddy Silva reading books, working on our computer with his silly (but adorable) skater beanie, and looking at my mate in a proud way. I still remember his laugh, which was quiet but full in spirit.

His spirit stays with the love of his life, Gregoria (Mommy) Silva. She is quiet like my mate, but I see why Daddy loved her so much.

Some Buddhist scholars and monks state that crying for the dead is normal, but should end after about a week, then celebrate the life that existed and live your life the way the person saw you. It’s been a week, and I will try to continue my quest to be a scholar and keep my mate’s passion for history and story alive.

We will miss Daddy Silva.

The Dreaded March

2009-03-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

the dreaded march...
similar to the droll of november...
the grading,
the encouragement for me
to get my work done.

Students bored or apathetic
my disinterest to pull out one more unnecessary encouragement for students
to get their work done.

I have been listening to blues and jazz lately which matches my mood these raining, unmotivated days...

See side list for playlists. (Painting Artist: Theo Booth)

Local Call

2009-02-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have listened to Barack Obama tonight address Congress. He spelled out some MAJOR objectives for his term. I understand his frustration, impatience and desire to push forward, but sitting listening to him (which hasn't happened in 8 years) I realize that he will not achieve what he wants.

I am not a pessimist but I know how politics work and we cannot sit like we used to. So I am calling to everyone to focus LOCALLY and figure out how you can improve your own community. If everyone focuses LOCALLY, then as a collective, we WILL achieve his objectives. The Congress and the President cannot do this...we have to take on our own destiny. If not, we will receive the consequences.

Be realistic. Can you help local businesses by buying from them? I know we are all watching our monies, but I want certain local businesses and farms around when the recession ends so why not support them? Can you be more environmental? Can you reduce your emissions (i.e. driving less) or use less plastic to reduce our landfill usage? Can you volunteer an hour or two at a locally sponsored institution...for example, your school or local park?

I understand some of the Republican rebuttal on less government intervention; however, while less government spending happened on local programs during the last candidate, it spent a s**t load of money overseas in wars and jobs. We have borrowed money from other countries. I and some of my friends have stated that if our taxes paid for something I can see, i.e. local improvement, I don't mind improving my community and environment. I get annoyed when my taxes are spent on programs that while affecting me abstractly, do not reflect my interest in focusing on my community, my family, my friends and my students.

To provide an example, my SIL with her family sponsor, embraces and promotes less use of cars by BIKING in Manila, Philippines. If you have never been there, imagine driving on a two lane highway with 3-4 lanes of cars, who may or may not want you there. They have worked hard to encourage others to pick up a bike before wasting money on gas in a car and the fever has spread. To see more: http://www.fireflybrigade.org/ What can you do?

Life Moves Forward

2009-02-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

Life moves forward even when you want to stop to love, to mourn, to think. There are many mornings I want to stay covered by the blanket, hearing the gentle snore of my mate, but we always get up and live life.

I understand how mourning can consume one’s life, but at the same time, I hate dwelling on the negative. I have cried, dwelled, but then I can only think of how well these people spent their life, the gifts they provided to others and cherishing those gifts for the future. I think of them when I need their creative gift…what would they do?

Work consumes my week with all the nuances of lesson planning, meetings, copying, grading and giving my time to students, other teachers and parents. I am seeking to start a part-time photography business, but I cannot think of it until 11 am Saturday morning. What about after work, you say? I try...I read the books on the business, I plan what I am going to do to move forward, but weekend rolls in and I cannot concentrate on it. Friday night is awash in decompression, Saturday I can focus on myself but I tend to exercise, organize…sometimes, work on photography, then Sunday comes in with the thoughts of what I need to accomplish this week.

So can I achieve the creativity I want? My current outlets are in cooking and lesson presentation, yet I do want to make a stab at photography? Can I get the time to make it work?

I didn't forget

2009-02-08T09:21:00.001-08:00

Well, Thursday did not bear any time to listen to music...just sore feet and big piles of grading.

Friday, upon awakening and listing the tasks ahead, my panic mood screamed for Tom Waits. So when I assumed the position at 6:30 am in front of my work computer (students arrive at 7:45 am), I put on The Heart of Saturday Night, which guided my talking-out-loud analysis of a much needed purchase order for preserved specimens, i.e. fetal pigs, sheep brains and bullfrogs.

After working with students for five and half hours, with the "to-do" list still mulling in my head, I put on Mule Variations to get through two straight hours of grading (did not move my butt from my chair). By 4 o'clock with two text messages from friends wondering what I am doing Friday night and a voicemail message from my husband wondering if we wanted to spend dinner with friends, I had to pack up my brain, papers, books and bring them home for a working weekend.

So on this Sunday (Saturday did not offer music-listening time but some much needed sister-bonding time), I have the apartment to myself to get through the rest of the dreaded "to-do" list. On the playlist for this Sunday morning:

--Buena Vista Social Club
--Tapestry by Carole King
--O by Damien Rice
--Picture Perfect Morning by Edie Brickell
--Mosaique by Gipsy Kings

Will post more if the afternoon warrants more selections....

Well, I got more time to get more done! My list may be down to two things only (if I can make my grading pile vanish). So the afternoon issued in Erykah Badu and Dido.

Albums listened to date: 13

Keeping the Female Vibe

2009-02-04T14:14:00.000-08:00

Because I was worn out this morning, making me a little cranky to come into work, I felt Fiona Apple would be appropriate. Even as I finish spinning the tracks on Tidal, I still feel a bit bitchy but in a content way. Some people really don't like her...so curious, any disdain for Fiona Apple?

Winter is returning, so to stay on this cooler, mellow vibe, I will listen to the Once soundtrack, which I love an indie film and album. If you never heard of the film or the album click here.

Starting with Annie

2009-02-03T07:01:00.000-08:00

So, if you don't know me that well, I love music as most people do; however, I am noticing how MUCH music I have but don't have time to listen to. So, I will attempt to listen to an album a day (i.e. 365 albums per year if I have that many...which I might), write a little blurb about it and maybe you can weigh in on your ideas. (7:00 am) Today's selection: Annie Lennox Bare. More to come on this selection...

(8:00 pm) Well, after listening to Bare while grading papers, I felt a need to listen to more Annie...so I listened to Medusa while cooking dinner and Diva while doing pilates. She has the best female vocals (no contest). On Bare I really like the song "Loneliness" and "Honesty". Medusa, while covers, reminds me of last year college because I listened to that album so much. While I love her cover of "Waiting in Vain", her cover of "Something So Right" fits my current marriage so perfectly. Diva is the perfect moving album, when you need a great rhythm and beat. "Little Bird" I could listen to several times. I still have some Eurythmics albums, but maybe that should wait for another day.

So three albums in one day. I will let you know the selection tomorrow!

Decluttering the last 8 years

2009-01-19T22:24:00.000-08:00

So the changes start now. A new year with new hope. I am caught up with the fervor of the new president and excited to see how we slough off the last 8 years. I spent the weekend sloughing off a good chunk of 2008, shredding unneeded papers, removing unwanted “stuff” and rearranging a key area of the apartment. So what do I expect from the new year?

Really, I feel we will experience events as they come into play. My mate and I tried to plan some events, but other events come into the scene disrupting the others. Living life is what I always want to do, so I will mindfully enjoy daily activities as much as big life-changing events. A couple of years ago we resolved to remove our debt, which we did in 2008 (my 30th birthday gift) and thankfully we are able to save. We live simply to save and I am happy we can enjoy the nice things in life: family, friends, food, warmth, art and love. I hope others start making those choices to live more within their means, so as a whole, the country removes itself from the monetary constraints holding us down.

I am optimistic about the country’s vibe to help each other. We all have great ideas to move forward, but we all need help. I have a renewed passion to move forward the after- school program I am developing, and hope others focus on education when they find their new commitment to service.

This time of the year I introvert and work on aspects of myself so I can be better for others. I told a student of mine this last week that I cherish my weekends, mainly for the ability to think about my week, analyze what I want to do next, and rest for the next few days. My mate and I keep it simple, making good food all day, relaxing, walking, talking and enjoying the space we rent. Many times I wonder if I should be doing more outside activities, but many times I just want to spend time catching up on reading, photography and cooking experiments.

So here is to a new year, starting tomorrow, with the inauguration of Barack Obama. He won’t fix the issues without us, so we should work on ourselves and how we interact with our local communities. Let’s start tomorrow. Are you ready?

Post Vacation Blues

2009-01-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

So after a week of work, our vacation seems to have vanished, so I sit here cranky and tired, ready for day off. I realize that I felt like this before, but I hate it every time. My mate and I had not had some time together in a new place for a while, so I really had a great time exploring New York City with him. We had great conversations there and afterward, which is culminating in our removal of excess in our apartment to make it more minimal and artistic. Sigh, tomorrow we start work again. At least we have a three-day weekend to look forward to. Check out our photos from our trip on our Multiply account.

Recent Thoughts

2008-11-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

So many developments in the last few weeks, I am not sure where to start:

Politics…Well, we all know that Barack Obama is now president, which makes me very pleased. I am proud of my country to finally put aside petty stuff, and elect someone who comes into the office with intellect, leadership and a team. As with others, I hesitantly wait to see how his first term goes with all the CRAP he needs to deal with.

On a depressing note, while our country moves forward in its equality to all, we took a step back by passing Proposition 8 in California. I am really annoyed, depressed and scared by this: In one night we ELIMINATED rights to a group of people. How nonchalant everyone is over the elimination of a right to someone boggles me as I see how ignorant so many others are to the real argument. I spend so many lessons in school working on students’ ability to compare and contrast similar arguments to make an educated decision. This proposition did not have the parallelism at all. While I agree with same sex marriage, I was really concerned about the elimination of rights of others, which many who opposed the proposition also felt. Those who wanted the proposition (Yes on 8) stated that without the proposition, people would lose their religious freedom and right to speech.How can this remove their religious freedom? Can they deny gay people in their church?…yes, because by law they have religious freedom. Can they say they do not believe in same sex marriage? …yes, because they have the freedom of speech. Should churches have a say in legal policy? …no, because the founding fathers decided the church and state law should be separated.

In response I heard so many state that if same sex couples could get over the word “marriage” then everything would be okay, but how? Legally, they cannot receive a Certificate of Marriage. And why not? Will it really hurt others? One interview I saw with a gay man, married in June, stated that a serial killer has more rights to marriage than he does as long as it is to the opposite sex. I hope this overturns.

Education…With the economic crisis at hand, I have the possibility of receiving a pink slip in March, but most likely I will deal with cuts to my after school program and projects. So much for funding the minds of the future. While I hate taxes, I think America really needs to re-think its strategy toward public education, and fund the potential that exists in the public system.

I will say in the all the debates, the moment I sat up and yelled at the screen was during McCain’s proposal that troops should be allowed to become teachers without dealing with the certification process. While I hope returning troops seek the education profession, I shake my head when I continually hear politicians and others feel that teaching is easy and certification is really not needed. Granted, some teaching training programs are not very good (as some medical programs are not very good), but still it is a profession and should be respected as such. Heaven forbid we have educated people educating our youth and have the proper skills to distribute and develop knowledge, creativity, innovation and personal skills.

Life…my mate and I still move along. We are not feeling the financial crisis too heavily but we didn’t have extravagant lifestyles to give up or modify. We still are not sure what we want to do in the near future, i.e. move, house, family, or travel, so we save and wait for the epiphany. If anyone knows how to speed up the epiphany, please let me know.

I should step down off the soap box before I trip up too bad on some sharp corners.

A Moment in History

2008-11-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

WOW...I just have to say how proud I am of my country at this moment in time. While I hoped for this, I really wondered if it could happen...a person of color as president of the United States.

Too much to think about but...WOW...

Woman of Power

2008-09-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today is my mother's birthday...she reaches the milestone of 60 years young. In 60 years, she has achieved quite a bit: graduated college, lived in another country, raised(ing) 7 children (all of them having some sort of college experience or multiple degrees...and in paying jobs), 2 grandchildren, a masters degree, a career, and more...

I don't know how my mother managed all of us when we were young. I appreciate her so much more now that I have to deal with so many individual needs in one day and try to stay sane. She always has time for some advice and a cup of tea, which you always need when you are someone's child.

In the past couple of years since Dan has flown the coup (or at least is a few miles away), I have noticed how much she has come into her own person again, free from the responsibilities of others. She and my dad can now travel, spend time together and enjoy life.

A couple of weeks ago, Mom decided to jet-set to the West coast without Dad to spend time with the girls. Although her time was short, I enjoyed seeing her having fun with us. I even squeezed a Scrabble game out of her (I lost, of course).

I really enjoy every day knowing I have a rock like her to support me. Happy Birthday Mom, you deserve every bit of joy today.

WOMEN Unite!

2008-09-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE...vote in this election for the most qualified candidate...not because there is a woman on the ticket. I am very nervous hearing this statement made of women voting for McCain/Palin, just because Palin is a woman. I think Hillary worked too hard in her life to make herself a qualified candidate to see her "cracked ceiling" go to a woman just because she was selected as a VP (and I think we know why she was selected).

I have a feeling too that Obama asked Hillary to be a running candidate, but Hillary may see herself a presidential candidate in the future. Give it peace please. PLEASE look at the issues, and how well a candidate can adapt, learn, and move this nation forward.

I get annoyed with playground selection of candidates.

Late Owl

2008-09-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

I keep staying up late either reading or watching something on television. Too much stuff to learn and I am addicted to learning. I watched a documentary tonight I want to use in my class when I talk about brain disorders. I am reading a book on our human culture and its relationship to a certain male "member". I find too little time in the day to catch up on everything, but so fascinated I cannot stop trying. Alas, I have to sleep to have enough energy to try again tomorrow.

Olympic Gold

2008-08-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, Michael Phelps has demonstrated his swimming prowess, but I am annoyed the front cover of the newspapers here in the Bay Area chose to front him, and NOT the fact that TWO American gymnasts won gold and silver in the all-around. Have people forgotten that we don't seem to win those golds very often?

Nastia Liukin did a beautiful job and while Shawn Johnson was the favorite, she still is young enough to come again in 2012. Oh, tonight a 33-year-old is competing in the vault, a 41-year-old is swimming the sprints, and the American Field Hockey team (women's) plays on.

I love the Olympics!

Stanford Summer 2008

2008-08-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

So, I was asked to give an overview of the teacher experience here at Stanford and how we plan to take the information we learn here and expose our students to advances in science. I asked and overheard my colleagues’ comments on this summer. “Invigorating” “Blood Transfusion” “Different” “Busy” “Overwhelmed” Oh, the last one was mine, but with a twist.

I have biologist training with varied interests in ecology, evolution and the human body. So, what did I apply for? A position in chemical engineering. But I have three logical reasons: (1) I wanted lab experience and I figure chemists do lots of that; (2) the project related to developing an artificial cornea and I teach dissection and the human body, so I knew what the cornea is and how to remove it; and (3) I heard I could put “Visiting Scholar at Stanford University” on my resume.

In truth, after the first week I didn’t think I would like this experience.

My mentor, Dr. Laura Hartmann, asked me to perform tasks I either had never done (writing detailed lab protocol for a rather significant study) or haven’t done in 10 years (dissecting information from scientific journal articles), but luckily, she is a fantastic instructor, giving me just enough information so I would not drown, but still making me work hard to figure out what was happening.

Oh, and I had to design a lesson or lab to transfer this information to my students. Busy was an understatement…I was swamped.

Why was I overwhelmed? Well, I was learning so much from my lab but also from my teacher colleagues and the professors we met every Monday. I realize how much fascination I have in science and how exciting it is to meet so many people with such enthusiasm! My mate has difficulties understanding my excitement, but how cool is it that I can now build my own lethal ping pong gun, know where CGI is going and with swag say I met an Oscar winner, and understand why we need crazy people and lots of money to make seemingly impossible leaps in technology?

So, did I learn anything to take back with me? So much so I couldn’t explain it in the time I have here to speak, but I did achieve my original goal of gaining valuable lab experience and a new even deeper love for science by observing so many people giddy over exploring. I will pass that giddiness onto my students. Thank you to Curt Frank for hiring me, Laura for mentoring me, Kaye and Paul for Mondays planned, and for the cornea group of undergraduates I was so humbled by with their interest in exploring. Thank you for the experience.

This is the speech I gave on the last day in front of teachers, professors, researchers, and students. Click the following link to see the pictures & videos from my experience.

Argh, Blah...snhgist...

2008-07-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

Thoughts in my brain...or maybe thought farts...

Visions of Myself

2008-07-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

So I am in a world of what could-have-been if I had pursued some science graduate career. I am learning so much but not sure how I fit in this world…if I do at all. I opted out of it in 2000 to see the world (didn’t get very far), but have explored vastly in my small nook here in San Mateo.

I am thrown in various worlds. I walk with academia, struggle through the papers, discuss ideas, but always feel the competition to find the next idea or the “I should of thought of that” epiphany. I walk as an educator, seeing the world as teaching opportunities, but constantly I feel I could teach better. I try to walk as an artist seeking out creative avenues in photography and cooking, but never seem to feel completely content there either. I walk as a wife, sister and a friend, but don’t seem to know how to play those parts too well because at some point I seem to be distant from people (by their choice for some reason and at times my choice).

My brain seems swimming with information but I don’t know how to share that with others or they don’t seem as excited as I am in the newly found knowledge. Maybe they know I am crazy. Anyways, I feel crazy, chaotic but strangely happy in my vision of myself in different worlds.

Dead Guys

2008-05-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

So many days pass between thoughts, but so many thoughts drown my sanity.

One such thought that itches, annoys and keeps arising is the disappointment I have for Heath Ledger’s death. I felt the same way when River Phoenix died, such a loss of beautiful artists. Really I don’t feel like asking the questions “How?” and “Why?” because I understand how and why, but still it is sad. Selfishly, I wanted to see more. Maybe that is what killed them…the desire for more. A friend of mine from high school died a few years back from heroin. He also was a beautiful beatnik soul, who washed all of us with his words, his poetry. A newspaper article is all I have of him, with some negatives I took when all of us thought we could recreate the village scene in Richmond. I haven’t talked to him in 12 years, and now I am stuck wanting more, but seeking it from a dead guy. The others sold out or got lost in the system, and I wonder where I am. Did I get lost or am I where I am supposed to be? Will more negatives of creative passion come out of my digital camera?

The torment to create but finding joy in such creation becomes more difficult as time passes. I love getting lost in the passion of creation, but too many thoughts from other responsibilities do not allow me to enjoy the creation. Usually I cannot create something I feel is new and fresh. I resort to comfort creativity.

I really wanted to see more films from Heath and River. I wanted to listen to more poetry from Mark. I wanted to find my niche with photography. We all worked hard, but the craft and passion died?

Old Pictures, Old Relationship

2008-04-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

I took your picture down
Enjoyment on our first movie day out
A fun 20-something moment

So many years
Many memories
I thought we would be friends forever.

I took your picture down
I had to accept you didn’t care
You are like everyone else

Assuming you are not needed
I thought we would be friends

I waited for us turning gray
I took your picture down today
With tears.

Dark Memories

2008-03-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

I miss the darkroom. The smells, the light (or lack of) and the moment I would see an image come to life. For the past several years, I wondered why my interest in photography shifted, transformed…even, dissolved. Walking today I realize my passion was not only capturing the shot, but revealing, cutting and producing the image I wanted to see. The thought of using and disposing photographic chemicals (albeit my nostalgic notion of smell) makes my environmental heart skip a beat. More so than my environmental hesitations is the hesitation to give my film to another person to do the process I so long to do. That notion is the reason I switched to digital; however, Photoshop is still not the same as a darkroom. I miss spending HOURS in the darkroom, listening to music and producing the images I wanted to create. Sigh…this is a recent photo I shot on Easter.

Former Creativity

2008-03-02T14:09:00.000-08:00

Creativity changes over time. I view postings of upcoming young photographers and writers and cannot help but envy their innocence. The photos attached to my walls composed from teenage years...how has my creativity changed? I look to other avenues, but wish I could retrieve that youthful, heartless passion.

Funny Moments on the Street

2008-02-15T21:57:00.000-08:00

Morning Accomodations

Withdrawals

2008-01-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

The end of a vacation is similar to giving up a drug habit (I believe…). You want to quit the vacation to return to a routine more normal to your body (not eating here and there…not sleeping in until 12 noon everyday…not drinking at odd hours); however, once you return, the withdrawals are awful. Sleepy, cranky, gas-y, and out of sorts, you envision how easy it would be to go back to the vacation mode…so you fight the urge, the cravings, and even the depression.

Oh well, only a few more months until the next break, then the long haul to summer vacation. Luckily, my students this year are eager to learn making this job rewarding.

My motivation for vacation revolves around the ability to work on artistic projects, to read books (I finished two books this past break), and to explore the culture in my neighborhood (Cirque de Soliel was AMAZING).

So, I have a job in teaching but an addiction for breaks to explore the world.

Joy to the World

2007-12-21T17:23:00.001-08:00

On the first day of this week, my students gave to me:

140 Nutritional Self-Studies (10 pages each)...

On the second day of this week, my students gave to me:

38 Final tests (scantron, thank God)
30 notebooks
15 poster projects
10 children's book projects
32 lab reports
and...5 late Nutritional self-studies

On the third day of this week, my students gave to me:

30 poster projects
15 children's book projects
15 anatomical projects
65 lab reports
and...8 late Nutritional self-studies

On the fourth day of week, my students gave to me:

15 poster projects
5 children's book projects
5 anatomical projects
32 lab reports
and...3 late Nutritional self-studies, 5 late work packets, and gifts of chocolate!

On the fifth day of this week, my students gave to me:

Peace and quiet to grade all their *$%& work I received the first 4 days.

Projects are not included in this photo...just imagine

So after several hours grading this week, 7 hours marathon grading this morning, and prepping my room for the break…I return home to find:

--one sink full of dishes not touched since Tuesday

--a basket of dirty clothes since the washer was broken earlier this week (I now realize I am wearing my last pair of undies).

After washing, scrubbing, and organizing, I now can celebrate! I am on break!

What will happen during break?

--Sleeping
--Eating (ham tonight, even….prepared by my neighbor, i.e. no cooking for me ☺ )
--Sleeping
--Spa treatment (I am going to be wrapped in herbs and mud until I am smooth like a baby’s butt—at least, that is what I think will happen)
--Lots o’ Christmas lovin’ (oh, did I type that out loud?)
--Sleeping
--Eating (crab season! YUM!)
--Visit from Peggy and Charles with Blue and Leah
--Sleeping
--Cirque de Soliel
--Reading
--Sleeping, have I mentioned this one yet?

Now, we go through our school gift loot. I get reminded I work in a public HIGH school, as I hold up to my mate my new blue “C” sports socks (gift) as he shows me the champagne, spa lotions, sweatshirt, cookies, various gift certificates, and other treats to me.

My mate's various gifts from his school's coworkers and students

My gift of socks...can you see my excitement?

Sigh, at least I have beer to keep me warm this Christmas…hey, where’s that Christmas lovin’?

Disclaimer: My mate read this blog and stated that it sounded like I was disappointed in life. So, I would also like to mention that yesterday during my feverish rush to complete the grading piles, a mother of one of my students wrote an email stating how much she enjoys her daughter coming home to tell her about my class. That email along with the amount of thought the students put into their self-studies about their own health, reminded me why I became a teacher. So yes, I hate grading, but I do love teaching.

What??? It's Almost December?

2007-11-25T16:32:00.001-08:00

Where did my life go? Is it really the holiday season????? Well, sorry to all of those waiting for some communication from us in San Mateo. I can only relate what I have been doing in the following pictures:
Grading...and then...more grading...

I knew that I would be disgruntled about my job during the month of November, yet, it still startles me how much my job consumes my life, my emotions, and my time. I love it and hate it, but always feel I could work it out. That is the sick sadistic nature of teachers...we are addicted to teaching.

We also had some visitors these past couple of months. Wyatt arrived in October to see Tom Waits at the Bridge School Concert. Tom Waits enchanted everyone with his theatrical singing and acting. Wyatt and I remembered the George Mason days over pool, beers, and laughter. There are times I really miss the college days:

I have been working on my Filipino cooking r'epertoire. Here is a sample of the puchero I made while Wyatt was visiting:

The end of October also had birthdays, Halloween, and preparations for the visit in November. Here are the birthday boys (Steve, Nov.2nd; Teddy, Oct. 24th; Geoff, Oct. 23rd):

My superhero costume for Halloween with my "sidekick":

So, now I have a few more weeks of teaching (and mountains of grading) before winter break. Look at the pictures of our Thanksgiving guests and dinner on our Multiply account.

Veteran's Day

2007-11-12T21:52:00.000-08:00

As Veteran's Day ends, I wanted to write a short blog about how much we should support those choosing to serve in the military. While I don't believe in war, don't support the powers that send those to war, and wish all wars would end, I do support those who CHOOSE to face those dangers. Those people choose to change their entire lives, and their family and friends will forever need to deal with the stresses, nightmares and lack of communication about what they did or are doing.

I really wish conflicts could be solved civilly.

Six Years of Simple Joys

2007-09-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

This is the first time have written a blog about our anniversary. What do I love about my mate?

Every woman he has encountered from mothers, sisters, friends and girlfriends, succumb to his charm, and I see their faces light up when he spends time with them. He really cares about people even though he, at times, has a hard time saying so. For me, while he doesn’t tell me how much he loves me all the time, he shows me his love when he doesn’t hinder my aspirations, encourages my creativity, enjoys my company, shares stories and jokes with me, and accepts me for me (even if I can be neurotic).

The other night, he showed his charm, which always seems to surface right when I think it has gone missing. I had a rough week at work and was exhausted by Friday. The dishes were piling up because I needed a break from the daily dishwashing Thursday night, so the dishes got out of hand by Friday. While exhausted on the couch Friday night (midnight), I hear in the kitchen my mate doing the one chore he hates the most: washing dishes. While other women may want flowers and loving words all the time, this subtle act by him spoke volumes of his love for me. (By the way, he does do chores: taking out the trash, making the bed and keeping the house organized—but he hasn’t washed dishes in 3 years).

So after six years, I still seek out his company and happy to see him happy. Weekend mornings, lazily staying in bed, snuggled under the covers with him quietly snoring next to me are the happiest times of my week. I hope we can keep up this happiness with small treasures of love.

California

2007-09-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

California, or rather northern California, is a hard place to leave. While it is expensive, we have developed our little life here. Even though our place is small, we have the ability to get out and expand our living room to the local coffee shop or pub, owned by friends, and a welcoming place to socialize. We have found our little town stores we frequent for services, products and even the advice.

A few miles in every direction will bring you to awe-inspiring natural views of the mountains, beach, or even the city of San Francisco.

For me, a foodie, the amount of fresh produce coming from friends’ backyards, or at the local store, brings a flood of culinary ideas. Many people barter dinner from me in exchange for fresh produce or flowers. Why would I complain?

So, while my mate and I may need to move from here, right now we are content and happy with our Bay Area niche. I think I have my heart in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Travel Blog: The Philippines

2007-08-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

Several people have been desperately waiting for a travel blog from me about the Philippines. I was caught in my life goal dilemma, and couldn’t focus on this blog…however, school starts tomorrow for me so summer travels will slowly move away as grading, discipline and teaching take over. I should write before I lose my smells, tastes, and sounds of my trip.

My mate was going to the Philippines to reconnect to a life he abruptly needed to leave. I knew this trip was a necessity since all of us who migrate from our homes need to go back to find ourselves and move forward. He did connect in a positive way, which was nice for me to observe.

I was going to the Philippines to merge the stories, food and culture I experienced here in the States to the places, food and culture in the actual environment. I wanted to observe how to cook some of the dishes I haven’t been able to perfect, to walk the places my mate walked in his youth, to meet the people he misses so dearly, and to bond with the families I haven’t had a chance to meet yet. (This blog will not be about the families, but I want to make a note that I really felt at home in the Philippines and I contribute that to my Filipino family (both married into and directly)).

So, my mate and I had different trips in the same place.

But, if you ask, “Why go the Philippines?” my response would include the following:

The beaches—just imagine the following: lying on white, sugary beaches under the gentle breeze of a swaying palm, listening to the clear, blue ocean gently lap the beach, tempting you to enter. The Philippines have several of these beaches with more commercial or more remote accommodations. I would like to explore some of the other beaches, especially Palawan and Bohol.

Snorkeling & Diving: The Philippines reside in an area of the world where tropical waters reach some cooler currents. Also, the Philippines has tectonic activity as the Pacific Plate moves underneath the Philippine Plate. This draws several marine animals to the 7,000 islands—corals, tropical fish, and whale sharks. We had just missed the whale sharks before they migrate to unknown places. Can you imagine seeing such an animal? Since swimming with whale sharks has been a dream of mine since I was a young child looking at pictures of whale sharks in National Geographic, we will need to return.

Geological formations: Because of the tectonic activity along the Ring of Fire, the Philippines has very interesting land formations such as the Chocolate Hills of Bohol (not really made of chocolate, but turning brown during certain seasons) and the smallest active volcano in Tagaytay (Taal). The Philippines have travel experiences in the mountains (northern Luzon) with Bananue rice terraces, the beach (see above), and major cities.

Shopping: While I am not a big shopper, I could see the Philippines a mecca for those who love to shop. With every type of mall or shopping center available, one can find clothes, jewelry, native wares, and anything in between from flea markets to high end. While not everything is cheaper than the States, you can find wonderful items to match with your current wardrobe and house. Also, where else can you go to see fireworks while shopping? Answer: Mall of Asia.

Food: The Philippines has a bad reputation for weird food. Most people know the Philippines for people eating dog or balut. In the five weeks I was there, I never saw dog in my food and well, I am not brave enough yet for balut. But I did taste so much wonderful food and learned how to prepare many new dishes. I am not as intimidated to go to the asian market to find cooking ingredients. Some of my favorites: rellenong bangus, nilagang baka, grilled squid and tuna, caldereta, sisig and bibingka. Now, there are variations of each these dishes and so many others that I cannot list here for space. For example, sisig can be wet or dry, crunchy or chewy, hot or cold, spicy or not spicy. Bibingka could have salted egg cooked inside the rice cake or used as a topping. The Philippines is like many other southeast countries where sweet and salty are combined in a perfect way. Adobo (again, so many variations and should be eaten everywhere by my opinion) can combine salty soy/vinegar with sweet tomatoes and egg. I wouldn’t see that combination here in the States, but when you eat it together, well…my mouth is watering. And yes, I ate street food. Isaw and fishballs. For those turning up your nose, isaw is grilled to perfection at Mang Larry’s on the UP campus and fishballs are similar to sausage balls just with a different meat. If you are a foodie, you need to travel to the Philippines. Another food I miss: mangoes and mango shakes.

Transportation: Manila, although congested, has many ways of getting around town. A tricycle (a motorcycle with side car) is a little uncomfortable for long distances, but good for a cheap way to move down the street or pick up a connecting light rail. Yes, Manila has a good light rail system which will get you where you want to go in less time than driving or taking a taxi. Rush hour is a little tight, but the Metro in Washington, D.C. is the same at rush hour. Jeepneys are good for the experience and again, cheaper. But a cab is also inexpensive and usually air-conditioned.

Night life: For those of you who have traveled to Spain where no one sleeps, Manila is the same. If you want cheesecake at 2 in the morning, then you can get cheesecake. If you want beer and pulutan (appetizers), there are several places for you. In the Philippines there are art crowds, punk crowds, clubbing crowds, and lounging crowds. Because of the heat, night time is the time to be cool outside and socialize.

Did I get sick? Yes, on the second day I had bad ice at a chain restaurant in a mall. The rest of the trip I drank the water from a Brita filter and even had ice, without getting sick. I even brushed my teeth using tap water.

So, since returning, I have made at least three people consider the Philippines their next vacation destination. Yes, there is some danger in the Philippines, but if you travel, you know the drill of keeping your bag close to you and not to flash your money around. Some parts of the Philippines are a little more dangerous for American tourists now in the wake of “fear and terrorism”, but so much of this fear can be avoided if stay toward the north.

If you decide to travel to the Philippines, plan the key places you want to see because you cannot get it all done in one trip. The beach alone will cause your senses to slowly relax and enjoy. Filipinos love to relax and enjoy life. Don’t rush and you will enjoy the best of the Philippines—food, life and culture.

Life Progressing Forward

2007-08-16T21:23:00.000-07:00

Growing up is hard. Actually, figuring out what life goals you want to work for and when is the correct time in your life to move forward is difficult to discern. What are the milestones one works for? As a kid, you know the expectations for a good chunk of your life:

1. Graduating elementary school by age 10 or 11 (depending on when the school allowed you to start).
2. Graduating middle school and then high school in a timely manner.

For me, the next milestone was completing undergraduate degree, which was completed in the usual 4 years. Suddenly, I had to decide how to use my degree. What do I want to be when I finish school? Continue my job with washingtonpost.com as a news photography editor? Work in a research lab? Start a Masters program? At this time, I knew I wanted to be a teacher because I noticed I would sit in lectures and analyze the teaching styles of professors, critical of them for making a simple explanation complicated. However, I also decided to join the Peace Corps and volunteer my time before starting any other career. I moved to San Francisco, CA, on a whim with the knowledge I was going to the South Pacific. I couldn’t believe otherwise…both parents in Peace Corps, a strong desire to see other cultures, understanding that differences exist between cultures…who wouldn’t send me? Then the letter arrived stating my health status rejected me from the program. I cried when I received that letter because so much thought went into that life decision. What do I do now?

I spent the next 7 months agonizing on what my next step should be. Do I volunteer somewhere else? Do I go back to school? Do I stay in California or travel the world like I wanted?

I have a difficult time working or studying when no purpose or goal exists.

Interestingly, the decision turned into a direction I was never expecting. I found my mate or rather we found each other at an art show. When we met, I was still in turmoil, and even told him not to get attached.

The other little issue I was dealing with at the time was massive debt, which doesn’t disappear as you figure out your life. So, California I stayed, got married, and I added to my debt when I decided it was time to start that teaching idea I had a couple of years before.

Now several years later, I hit that question again—what do I work for now? I have been teaching for almost 5 years and the task is less daunting every year, my mate and I are strong or as strong as any married couple can be, and my debt has a foreseeable end.

I thought the pregnancy would give me clarity, but only muddied the waters more. The miscarriage added more mud. I thought this is what I wanted to work for…but how do you work for a baby? For those of you out there, the process of “trying” to have a baby leads to endless disappointment. Waiting for the probable event is easier for me with less cognition of ovulation and depressing menstrual cycles.

Today I startled my mate with this several month headache of mine of not knowing where we were going. Baby or no baby? Move or no move? He and I painfully unraveled this dilemma, and I now feel better. I know what to work for…or at least until life forces me to make the next step in growing up.

Beautiful Skin

2007-06-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

Every magazine, every drugstore, every Sephora in the United States have lotions, powders, and creams that will darken, bronze or give you the appearance of sun-kissed skin. I have also tried the self-tanner lotions (similar to exskindiver) with little success. Usually the result is streaked legs and blotchy feet because I did not put the lotion on evenly. I have even contemplated the spray-on tan offered at most spas in the States just so I won’t look so translucent. I found this link when looking for images that demonstrates the motivation to look tan...click here

Now, fast forward in time (literally) and travel to Asia, where the exact opposite is true. The goal here is to look whiter, with all the same lotions, powders and creams mentioned above but these devices will whiten, take away pigment (I am a little skeptical about this one) of the skin, to get the white glow you desire. While people-watching here in the Philippines, I notice girls plastering white powder on their faces to look ghostly (since some of their darker pigment comes through). One girl made a point of showing me her “white”powder, as she caked it on her face. At this girl's display progresses, I think of my students in the States doing the same thing, plastering on makeup, but they are putting on bronzers and brown powder to look more tan.

Even the reasoning behind this phenomenon is interesting. Asian women are seeking to look whiter to show they do not need to work outside, illustrating the levels of status they have achieved which allows them to stay indoors most of the day. Western women are seeking to look darker to show they are more earthy and athletic, confirming their status level of having time to be outside, sun-bathing or exercising, while most of us are stuck indoors working under fluorescent light.

So, the clash of cultures met my first night here when I was looking for sunscreen since I want a darker glow with limited sun damage (I have already tempted the skin cancer gods in my youth). I stumbled upon this obstacle of the lotions wanting me to look WHITER…????? What??? So, here is the cultural conflict—my instinct is to shun the whiter skin, but maybe it is beautiful after all?

End of the Year Reflection

2007-06-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

As tomorrow’s graduation approaches and I wrap up another school year with my students, I reflect on the accomplishments, observations and improvements of the year.

One observation I gathered during this week of finals was my students’ motivation to show me what they understood. Today, for example, I watched ALL my students pore over their final examination even if some of them knew they will fail the class even if they score well on the final. I expected them to come in and bubble in “c” for all the answers and write jibberish in the short answer responses; however, I watched as each of these “failing” students put in the effort to show me what they know.

So my question is…did they fail? Did I fail in teaching them? At this moment, watching them pore over their answers, I say no, since my goal with students is to inspire them to learn, to express their understandings and learn from their mistakes. All of these students know why they failed—laziness to turn in work, not completing homework and projects on time, not arriving to class on time (or at all)—and they stated to me how they will fix these issues next year, so to me they did not fail. They learned from their mistakes. Yes, they did not score as well as others on this test or in this course, but they tried.

One area I need to work on is developing skills. I try to teach the students every skill instead of perfecting a few key ones. One major skill most students lack is critical thinking. When asked how sun exposure affects each of the students personally, one student responded, “Understanding sun exposure is important to me because I am white.” That was the beginning and end of the response. Hmmmm…I am white, but don’t understand how this sun exposure affects you.

I have some new ideas to work into my curriculum. Usually this time of the year always tricks me into going back next year with new ideas, new innovations, and new connections. I will probably curse myself this coming November when I wonder why I picked this profession as I deal with another 170 students. However, watching students mature, makes sense of the world, and find science “sic” make me coming back.

I Drove All Night

2007-06-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

In response to my SIL's tagged request.

Celebration of Mothers

2007-05-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Today marks the celebration the women who endured the hardships of child development for nine months, the life-threatening event of birth, and the aging process of raising productive children. All the mothers in my life share with me so many treasures, I will not describe their strength well, but here is a try.

My friend Kelly will soon be a mama in July. Her friendship has been a lifeline through this past month and several years as some friends are lost in the shuffle of life. I am excited to see her new baby girl and new step for her. So Kelly, Happy Mother’s Day!

My friend Erin is raising a beautiful son, despite the loss of her husband while pregnant, finishing undergraduate and graduate school, and the daily juggling of her life’s passion (social work) and motherhood. I am so proud of her that I cannot express the surge in my chest when I tell people I know her. So Erin, Happy Mother’s Day!

Watching my mate’s family raise wonderful children who connect to their culture(s), I hope to have Tagalog-speaking, intelligent, community-supportive children like them. So to Chesca, Peggy, Charissa, Karen, Chari, Anne, Raff, and Viola...Happy Mother’s Day!

My sister Ana found her children, who also needed to find her. While motherhood tests her will, faith, and overall sanity, she is raising two fantastic young men. When I see how much they have adjusted and grown with her, I am proud to know her as my sister. We are all excited to have nephews as great and adventurous as them in our family. So Ana, Happy Mother’s Day!

My grandmother is an amazing individual who raised four children, has 22 grandchildren, and 14 great-grandchildren. Every time I write or visit her, I am in awe at her strength and presence in our lives. So Grandma, Happy Mother’s Day!

My mate and I share a common bond of being in a large family. Ironically, both our mothers had several children in a short amount of time (his mother: 9 kids in 11 years; my mother 7 kids in 9 years), had us about the same time (around 30 years old), and placed us in the middle. I work with large numbers of students at once—children who need your every attention, emotion, and praise you can give them—and I respect these two women for raising 16 strong, healthy, intelligent, beautiful children without giving up (which I am sure they thought of at certain times). Even today, we call for advice and nurturing because we know they never let us flounder…just grow. I was supposed to be a mother today, but lost my child earlier this week. While the tears still fall from disappointment, the strength these women gave me (and all the women who gave me guidance through this difficult moment in my life) makes me excited that I am a woman and will be a mother in the future. Happy Mother’s Day!

At a Loss for Words for Someone Special

2007-04-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

My brother-in-law is celebrating a birthday today and my mate is at a loss for words. I am making an executive decision to share with everyone feelings and thoughts my mate shares with me about his older brother:

--My mate is amazed at Ayo’s motivation to go back to school and change careers.

--My mate mentions Ayo’s ability to connect to family, extended and close. Ayo is known on both sides of their family, and makes a point of connecting to those who may have strayed or lost touch with.

--Ayo’s social skills, his uncanny ability to chat with others, joke, make merry, has amazed my mate as well as make him jealous, when he uncomfortably sits in some social environments.

--Since I enjoy cooking, Ayo and I share a bond of the love of food. Sometimes, my mate attempts to cook, but he always shares that really Ayo (and Peter) are the cooks in the family.

There are others that escape even my memory, but overall, my mate connects with his brother in spirit and jokes. Happy Birthday, pare.

Odd Numbness

2007-04-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

Today there was a massive shooting incident at Virginia Tech. My brothers went to Virginia Tech and one still works near there. So, how do I feel about the shootings today? While I was concerned, I hate to say I feel a bit numb to the incident. I don't worry about my brother, but I feel for the students. The whole situation is very surreal with very few answers. I hope someone finds out why someone can coldly go through and kill people.

It doesn't seem normal.

End of Spring Break Depression

2007-04-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

So, the end of break is here and my mind is already starting to think of all the things I "should" do or "could" do. My mind is overwhelmed with unfinished projects and cool expeditions I want to go through. And I have homework due tomorrow and I cannot figure out my coding issue. I have more thoughts on this past week and the future in more blogs and photo montages.

Well, I am tired of stressing about things I cannot control. Deep breaths, pacing and well, dealing with the fact I am not superwoman.

Cooking Green Challenge #1

2007-04-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

So, to improve the health of myself and my mate, I decided to incorporate more green items in our diet. I usually eat lots of fruits and vegetables, but I cannot say the greenery has much fanfare.

Therefore, in an attempt to produce five star restaurant vegetable dishes, I borrowed a book, written by a former chef of the Greens restaurant in San Francisco, from the library. Reading through all these recipes, I was thinking, “Yes, I can get my mate to eat vegetables…no problem.” I carefully selected recipes I thought he could eat without cringing at the sight.

Last night…point for me…I constructed a savory salad of butter lettuce, carrots, Roma tomatoes and avocadoes with a creamy shallot herb dressing. While the sight of greens made him nervous, the man ate the bait.

Attempt no. 2: Leek and Artichoke Soup. The ingredients seem less intimidating and if I blended it as suggested, then he may eat it. Well, after an hour of cutting, washing, simmering and blending, the result...I don’t like it. I won’t even bring it to the table. Actually, I really don’t like the texture (fibrous) with less savory taste than expected. It smells nice, but argh.

Here are my thoughts on cooking experimentation:

1. Stay with ingredients you know or have learned how to deal with. My problem with attempt number 2 was my lack of knowledge with artichokes. Apparently, I didn’t get enough of the “choke” out of the artichoke making the fine fibers a main part of the soup texture (gross).

2. If the ingredient requires you to remove more of the item than what you purchased, then maybe leave it alone. Case in point: artichokes require you to remove tough, thorn-bearing outer leaves along with a fine fibrous “choke” to leave you with a quarter of the item you purchased. Since they are expensive, I think I will leave artichokes alone (if you already haven’t noticed my hint). For those of you who love artichokes, go for it…I will leave it for restaurant purchasing.

3. Work with what you got. While I have enjoyed feeling “green” and “healthy” buying mostly plant-based groceries, the cost has not returned much. I usually will give myself some consolation by saving my bad experiments and blame the mold for the reason to throw it out; however, this time, I just threw it. I didn’t want it, and I could foresee the reaction of my mate.

So I will work toward savory sauces and not introduce foreign greenery unless I have tried it previously. I will keep you posted on good and bad concoctions.

April Self-Indulgence

2007-04-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Warning: There is more to come; however, for now, I want to share a meditation and poem relating to thoughts consumed during the end of March and the start of April. The following comes from "Dancing Moons" poems by Nancy Wood.

APRIL**Planting Moon**Kapana

April's great path of the moon is regeneration.

When you thought that spring forgot to come, a meadowlark sang in a tree. A flower popped out of the ground. You felt like dancing. Like singing to the clouds. Now is the time to learn how to breathe all over again. Pretend you are a newborn baby. Get the staleness of winter out of your heart and mind and body. It's time to be reborn as a pocket gopher.

Passing through time of solitude and introspection makes you realize how precious simple things are. Look around. If the sky seems too low, push it up. If the earth seems to still, put your face in the mud and sing it a growing song. Put wildflowers in your ears. Howl at the next full moon. Talk to coyotes, to ravens, to the little ant digging itself out of the ground. What's the worst thing that can happen?

Ask yourself: Is there enough of you to go around? Do people expect too much? Is your work something you want to do? Or have to do? Do you yearn for a new place? A new person to whom to share your life?

Regeneration allows you to grow wings. Sprout roots. Two more legs. Or fins. Regeneration means that you can start growing all over again, this time from the inside out. There is time for everything, even that which you thought too late to happen.

On Being Alive

2007-04-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

From the above author...

Ask a snake what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
feeling the grass on my belly.

Ask a bluebird what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
flying high above the world.

Ask a tree what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
being rooted in one place.

Ask an ant what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
trying not to get stepped on.

Ask a coyote what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
being smarter than the rest.

Ask a snail what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
going at my own pace.

Ask a river what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
finding freedom of the wildest kind.

Ask the wind what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
blowing whichever way I want.

Ask a meadowlark what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
singing the sweetest song I know.

Ask a porcupine what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
learning to be myself.

Ask a rainbow what it means to be alive,
and it will tell you,
spreading beauty around the earth.

Each thing in nature is gloriously alive,
giving us a clear reason
why the Creator put it there.

--"Dancing Moons" by Nancy Wood...a series of meditations and poems

Sticker Shock

2007-03-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

For the people who know me, I love to cook. However, like most people, I get tired of doing dishes and thinking creatively, so going out to eat is a nice change (and a great inspiration at times).

Last night was not one of those times. We decided to venture out for a light meal with a friend at a local restaurant we frequented before. It has been about a year though and in that span of time, food choices can change.

We ordered a sweet and sour calamari, skirt steak satay, and a platter of oysters with a half bottle of wine and a mojito martini. I don’t remember tasting the squid with the calamari because of the breaded substance encrusting the object (it could have been chicken for all we know), the steak satay was alright but nothing to jump up and down for, and the wine was fine…but for the cost…YIKES!

So I feel guilty today for spending that much money on food I could have prepared better, for less cleanup and fanfare and still have enough money to knock off two more bottles of wine.

To put it in perspective, we discovered a little nook near Pescadero, CA that has existed since 1931, which provides fresh soups (using vegetables grown in the back), excellent drinks, and pies to envy (Ollieberry, anyone?). We gorged and basked in the warm weather (see Ocean Therapy below) for about half the price of the above-mentioned meal.

So, I think I will stay home for a little while, mixing, matching and designing my own taste explosions (see Chesca) until I get the motivation to venture out again. I am trying not to think of the better purchases I could have made with the money I blew away last night .

Image above: Copyright Jill Greenburg--Check out her series...while looking for an image, I ran across this fantastic portrait photographer. Her series is called End Times

Ocean Therapy

2007-03-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

Saying "Hi" Years Later

2007-03-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

After seeing Ted rekindle old friendships makes me optimistic of seeing friends I have lost touch in the past few years.

Thought I would post some pictures from our recent visitor.

Click here to see more.

Morning After

2007-03-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

"The morning after..." can include several different endings:

...pill for those "oops" encounters. Never did this, but hear some people do.
...hangovers, when you thought that last drink was just fine (I felt great!)
...regrets for comments made the night before when you thought you were of a sound mind (see #2).
...smell of stale beer and old garbarge. Cleaning with a hangover is never fun.
...revisiting a bad joke made the night/day before, which may have started the drinking.

or the morning after includes no regrets, no pains or aches, no weird smells. The morning after is just another new day. Which morning after is today?

Youth Slapping Me In the Face

2007-02-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

So, I recently sought out a book I thought would be interesting: Privilege: Harvard and the Education of the Ruling Class. The title caught my attention as well as the author's writing in The Atlantic, a newly acquired fantastic magazine subscription. However, I became annoyed at the book when I found out the author is two years younger than me. How dare he achieve so much in such little time? To his benefit, his perspective in the book is accurate in regards to higher education and the class system.

His perspective made me think about my collegiate life, and well, I miss the idealism of what I was going to achieve. Disgruntled, I feel I paid for a very basic education like he did (and he went to Harvard). College is for people to establish their class in the world. You receive some education, but you mostly gain your connections and networks. Success revolves primarily on what college name is attached to your resume. The rest of your life is spent catching up on your education. I have met very smart people without a college (and at times high school) diploma, but I gain access to certain avenues based on the number of letters after my name.

I expected college to be more academic with political arguments, scientific exploration, higher levels of writing and thoughts…you know, scholarly. But I found the academics relatively easy with some spurts of difficulty. Like the author of this book, I felt that I didn’t have to work that hard because the professors did not push back to make me work harder (except for a choice 2-3 who I still admire today).

Now I am a teacher, and I understand both perspectives. I understand the burnout of the teacher, but I also feel I need to push my students to think and learn. They need help in finding information, and making connections to their lives. They fight me often, but I enjoy their brain development.

Probably the number ONE compliment of my profession is the amount of information I have been forced (and willingly) to learn. I enjoy how much I have read and wished I had this perspective earlier (I might have pursued different professional choices). I guess my education came 3 years and $23,000 later than my college graduation.

A Comment to the Local Paper

2007-01-26T22:43:00.000-08:00

Recently an article appeared on the local paper that caused me so much thought since living on my own. How much do we impact our environment? What do we expect to be here?

I took the quiz and I felt it inadequate. The thought that draws me away from this quiz’s results is the focus. Yes, cars and trucks directly use oil (in the form of gas). However, people are focusing on cars only. So much of what we consume needs gas to exist.

Why are there bananas in Minnesota? Why are tomatoes around during January? We expect foods to be in the grocery store when we find that “perfect” new recipe. Every wonder how they got there? Strawberries when it’s snowing? To move goods quickly from Chile to the United States when it’s winter requires gas and oil. Once I mentioned the anomaly of eating organic strawberries in December to a group of nutrition-focused people, and the response was, “it’s in season somewhere in the world.” Why do I need to have it here in December? What fruits and vegetables should be here in December?

Water. Almost every living thing on Earth needs water, including us, yet we treat it like it will always be there. We expect to take a shower every day, wash dishes keeping the water on, wash the perfect outfit in the washing machine even though we don’t have enough for a full load. Ever wonder where the dirty water goes? At the wastewater treatment plants, wastewater is purified using mostly natural processes; however, it requires fuel (i.e. oil and gas) to run the pumps, computers, and gauges. The more water we send down the drain will require more cleaning time. But, we expect water to be in our faucet. Some people need to play golf in the desert and have a perfectly manicured lawn with beautiful plants.

Apparently eating meat is deemed “eco-unfriendly”. While over-consumption of meat is eco-unfriendly, so is over-consumption of vegetables out of season (see above comment). Styrofoam trays filled with 8 chicken thighs from four to eight different chickens are eco-unfriendly. Taking a whole chicken and cutting it into individual pieces to use entirely over a span of two to three days is better use of energy (and cheaper). Beef is a new animal to the over-consumption, and cattle are grotesquely slaughtered at alarming rates to feed our need for red meat. Why do we need to have 15 ounces of red meat to feel our meal is worth the price?

Consumption is an interesting term because it encompasses so much. From the plastic bags we expect to have to protect our produce from the “germs” present on the grocery store checkout conveyer (when we have more germs on our hands) to the plastic toothbrushes we use every day. Plastic is the one substance we created that does not break down (quickly). Every wonder where it goes? Try Hawaii (the non-tourists islands), mainly in the stomach of seabirds which eat shiny, colorful objects that run up on the shore. “But I throw my plastic toothbrush in the trash…doesn’t that go to the landfill?” you ask. Yes, but every wonder how those landfills deal with so much trash? Some does land in the ocean (out of sight, out of mind).

I could go on and on, which again is why I didn’t like that quiz. I want you to think about the plastics you use and wonder, do you need it? Can you recycle it? Think about how much food you eat and the type of food you eat. You can survive eating more seasonally, and many people feel we can avoid many illnesses in the process. Do you need to drive? Can you walk? We need to be a little inconvenienced...otherwise, we won’t survive.

The Earth will survive with or without us.

A Love for Small Thoughts

2007-01-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have had some difficult days with my students, but today, many of my students came by to say hi and chat. Why? I can't say, but they shared some thoughts into their interests I didn't know before. They found out I have a husband from the Philippines and my nephews are black. We shared some small moments in each others' lives and we can move forward in our education.

I like reading blogs for the little and large observations everyone has about life's greatness (and at times, it's troubles). I miss some people's thoughts. I noticed a lull in the blogsport as many seem scared to post because of minor lapses in self-confidence. Even if errors exist in language, the observation will always be unique and interesting. I like seeing those individualistic observations of life.

I want to chat and read to find out more because I cannot notice everything in the world. Don't stop chatting or sharing because of semantics...we will interpret the thought for ourself despite the language.

New Air

2007-01-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

With a new year comes new ideas, new dreams, old dreams revamped, and well...promise. I didn't want to leave the blog with the preach-y-ness of the last entry, so realize that I am hopeful for an eventful new year. I feel change in the air but I have no idea which direction it will arrive from. I will just keep on tacking and checking for wind direction.

Preaching to the Choir

2006-12-30T12:24:00.000-08:00

So, this blog will most likely come across as preachy, but allow me a few moments on the soapbox.

Many who read this blog are of a teaching persuasion, or have someone in the family who teaches. I am reaching out to the people who don't know much about teaching or for those who do...pass the information forward. I learned of this book from a PBS talk show interviewing the writers, and I ordered it when I finally had a break. While most of the information was not new to me, the authors' key thesis was profound: the lack of professional perception towards teachers.

A key part of the book that really stuck to me was an interview with a really inspiring, tough teacher who left the profession:

This teacher "routinely worked seventy- to eighty-hour weeks because that was the only way he could come close to feeling successful. Despite it all, he says, he never felt more than 70 percent effective." I have felt like this for the past 4 years of teaching. I work mostly 60- to 70- hour weeks depending on my grading load, yet I always feel like I am not really successful. I know I am a good teacher, but I still have students who cannot get the material, cannot stay organized, cannot read or write, cannot focus and refuse to think. How do you reach them?

Now, my mate feels the effects as well. I am guilty of not being home very much and when I am home, working or sleeping to prepare for the next week. My mind constantly seeks out better ways to present material. My mate thinks he is not supportive enough, but really it's me not putting the time into us.

"So...what's your point?" you may be asking. Many of you work very long days and can understand the lack of home time. However, most of you are considered a professional in your field. You are respected doctors, nurses, business men/women, and managers. When you tell someone your job, he/she will most likely view you as well-educated, hard-working and productive. When someone explains to someone else that he/she is a teacher, he/she will get the remark "how noble" or "why would you do that when you are so smart?"

Many of my friends have professional jobs and wonder why I am teaching. Now, I will admit that the credentialing program was a bit easier than my undergraduate degree in biology, but nevertheless, I completed 60 hours of graduate work (credential and master's in education) in 2.5 years while working full-time. I researched and completed a 30-page literature review on the effectiveness of science education on high school special education students (an area very overlooked). I took four very difficult subject-related tests to prove I am "highly-qualified" to teach ($80/test). Similar to the idea of the boards for doctors and nurses, you must complete these tests within a certain time frame with accurate, vocabulary-rich responses. I had to write three 2-page essays in one hour from topics ranging from the difference between conduction and convection to how dialysis works to supplement kidney function. I also had 2 multiple-choice tests ranging in topics from biology, chemistry, physics and geology/earth science. These subjects are so broad that you are not sure what questions might be asked.

And the kicker...with a master’s degree and 4 years experience, I make $55,000/year. A very good salary for a teacher considering in San Francisco Unified District (only 10 miles north of here), a similarly qualified teacher is most likely making $40,000/year. When the average rent in San Francisco is $1200/month for a one-bedroom and mortgages are $3000/month, this salary seems insignificant. Likewise, think about your area of the world. Most teachers make $15,000-$20,000 less than what I make and they have been teaching for 6 years! In the book, one teacher makes more money selling televisions at Circuit City than his day job as a teacher.

So, as I am about to step down from my platform here (it is starting to wobble), please think about how teachers are viewed. Why are we expected to be poor? Why are we expected to work a second job in the summer when we already clocked over 2000 hours of work throughout the year including the time during the summer prepping for the next school year (for those in the dark about teaching hours, teacher salaries pay for 7 hours of work per day and vacations are not paid)? Why are we expected to not receive raises and bonuses for the good work we do?

There are some bad teachers out there but there are also fantastic teachers who are leaving the profession. I am a fourth year teacher and based on the statistics I may leave the profession within the next year because of burn-out and low pay. I am asking for people to think and spread the information. Please don’t martyr teachers, treat them like professionals.

Happy Holidays

2006-12-27T20:34:00.000-08:00

In an effort to save on the hassle of postage, the "right" greeting card, and the politically correct thing to say on a card...we (I) opted for the digital greeting with video. While the compression really looks terrible, it gives you the excuse to come visit us to see the good copy!

Click here to see the greeting and video
(I would download the QuickTime Movie for better viewing)

A Gift

2006-12-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

Every year has a new beginning...and an open end. See his beginning.

A Day in the Life of a Teacher

2006-12-01T15:25:00.000-08:00

It's Friday. What did I do? I got to work at 6:45 am to get out scissors, scapels, tweezers and blunt probes for high school students to use (just think about that for a moment). 7:00 am. After showing two teachers how to breathe right to reduce stress (another unit taught in a different class), I proceeded to practice an eye dissection, completing such activity in 5 minutes...it is now 7:45 am.

After pushing tables together, prepping a computer lab, and finding a video at the library for 5th period (I need a break), I rest for 5 minutes (drink water and breathe), then prepare for the kids (it is now 8:45 am).

Seven hours, one vomiting student, one meeting, and a smelly classroom later...they have left. Now I need to clean up from today and prep for Monday.

Friday...ah...no students tomorrow and I can lie in bed (see weekends.). Beer anyone?

Large Families

2006-11-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

Large families have interesting dynamics. Unless you are in a large family, you would not understand the dialogues, the jokes, and characters that exist within a large family. Two people should not have more than two (maybe three but you are pushing it) children in order to give enough attention to them. For those of you with more than two (or three) children, ask your children in 10 years how they feel about their siblings and their lack-of-attention issues...and see. Maybe I am wrong.

Every sibling within a large family (I am speaking of 6+ children) seeks attention. The attention seeking may be quiet, it may be direct, it may be mean and negative or nice and positive. However, once the attention is received, many children from large families do not know what to do with it, and usually overcompensate or want it to go away. Even as we get older and separate from each other, we have difficulties handling attention...in a public arena, you may be the quiet one, the actor/actress, the party animal, the one who sabotages, or the motherly one. Everyone is competing to be the smartest child, the most clever, the favorite, the most talented (whatever that means), the best cook, the best listener, the best writer, the most sober drinker, the most successful (again, whatever that would include), and who embodies what he/she should. Everyone in a large family (including parents) always seem to know you better than yourself.

You let them into your thoughts a little, but never completely, because again, we are not sure what to do with the attention. However, with the little information they know of you, your life completely unfolds before them. The decision you made five years ago is still a bad decision even if you are content and happy with your life. Your life is not what it should be because they know what grandiose person "you could have been" or "was". Now, let me know, has every decision you made been completely right?

Most of the time I "wing" my life. However, a quote from a sister-in-law sums up the concept of "winging" it: "At least you look good while doing it, so no one knows". As long as you know what to say, know when to be quiet, know when to pretend you know exactly what someone wants you to do, then usually you can wing something. You may not be able to wing intricate surgery, but hey, I hack up a chicken once a week...I probably could "wing" an amputation. Now you must remember, I am "young" so obviously I don't know myself well enough, so any decision I make must be wrong, because I cannot possibly know that I cannot forsee the future. If that makes sense, please read on. Do you see why siblings live far apart but miss each other greatly?

Watching two large families has been an interesting experience. One family has had more years to simmer on the stove than the other, so I can forsee how the other could potentially turn out. In addition, I can see how bad habits die hard, as similar quirks and petty arguments and jealousies last. The one aspect no child from a small family or single-child family could understand is the nature of sibling support. I walk with my head high because I know I have 4 brothers, 2 sisters, 4 sister-in-laws, 4 brother-in-laws, that would kick anyone's a** if he/she messed with me. Who else can you get in trouble with by working out an elaborate plan to steal cookies or designing a road trip to New York City at the age of 17?

Each family has the lone single child married into the family. I feel for those two and any friend who desperately tried to join the "gang" because the learning curve is rough. Full-contact board games are dramatic for the average layperson, but hey, they made it and keep with the family! Once in, you never leave because how could you lose the support? Trivia Pursuit, anyone?

Now, these are my thoughts on large families from my lone perspective as child #4 in a family of 7. Making assumptions means I open a Pandora's box of comments expressing how I missed the mark and how dare I assume the life of one of my siblings or married-into siblings...but hey, I wouldn't trade in either family. On the other hand, I won't subject my own children to the traumas of a large family. Again, if you are not part of a large family, you don't understand the trauma and disfunctions. Amputations, road trips, dysfunctions, drinking, and the occasional therapy session (or two) are merely simple descriptions. Don't open the box.

Baby Fat

2006-10-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

The pot-belly stomach, the cheeks that droop but in a squeezable way, the scowl, worried about impending events. Where did all that baby fat disappear to? You can see the imp with the childhood intolerance for unfairness. You can see much of this man within the picture of a boy at one. While the baby fat may be gone, his mannerisms continue to invoke childhood habits.

Many people say that you can see how you looked as a child by observing your sleep patterns as an adult. The truth is he burrows and curls his body on the couch before falling asleep like a puppy finding its spot, and will sweetly wake up from a dream to share a little morsel of it (sleep talking). While the drummer boy instruments are gone, two guitars fulfill the need of music even if the tune is off. A little light dances in his eye when he admires his crafty and creative successes. While many times I want to call him an ass, I feel the need to smile softly as he reminds me of the Peter Pan I used to wait for every night to take me to Neverland.

You see, I never wanted to grow up (still trying not to). I like having fun, sleeping on the grass at the park, eating ice cream and swimming with mermaids. Every year I used to read the book Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie to fly back to Neverland with all the strange adventures with the Neverbird, the wolf and the ferocious mermaids (please, never watch the Disney version of Peter Pan). However, now that I met this Peter-like character in 2000, I only read the story to other children, so they too can be inspired to have adventures, make-believe they are eating food when they aren't, and fight each other to only make up in the same day.

Childhood stories often do teach people a lesson. However, childhood stories also teach the power of imagination and creativity. At times, I wander off to Neverland as I see him construct costumes from pillow cases and construction paper, in time for the newspaper photo shoot. He discovers so much beauty in simple objects and moments.

So while the years may be creeping up, his heart, mind and spirit will never lose their baby fat. You hear it in his laugh, the tears in his eyes when he feels like a child, and when his smile has a kiss no one can retrieve. He is my Peter Pan and I am having so many adventures, I never want to go home (only for spring cleaning).

Happy Birthday Darling.

Small Time Frame of Sanity

2006-10-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

If I get home by 4:45 pm, then I feel like I achieved something for myself that day...however, most days I get home at 5, 5:30 or sometimes even as late as 7:30 pm. It is amazing how different I feel by getting home before 5 pm. I don't think about the lack of pay I get for those lost hours (I get paid for 7 hours of my work day) because it seems unproductive.

What I feel I lose is my time to be with my mate, to talk and joke around. Even just watching a movie. Many times like tonight I come home late only to spend my time grading papers and trying to make sure I catch a few words of conversation (but I must admit, I don't know what we are talking about sometimes because my mind is on so many other topics).

I also lose time for me. My time to pursue my fading photography hobby..my time to read...my time to think about other things than why "my darlings" cannot seem to pass a quiz (did I teach it well enough?).

So as I finish cleaning up the kitchen, put the leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow and pack up my papers and computer, I cannot help but be a bit grumpy. Teachers spend their career trying to discover two things: the curiosity of children and life beyond school and work.

I miss my mate even though he is just a few feet away snoring softly on the couch. I miss me. I need to find my life...

Small Talk

2006-10-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

The process of putting on a dazzling outfit (with help from friends and neighbors) is fun. Walking down the street looking like a magazine shoot is interesting as people walk past wondering what event you are attending. However, upon arrival, I dread the "small talk". I never know what to say and I always pray the other person can start and continue a conversation. I can answer politely and put my two cents in about a topic, but starting...what conversation would I start? My brain gets flustered with thoughts such as: Do people want to know about the lab I am stressing over for Monday? Do people want to know that I am excited to have my laundry finally done after thinking about it for one week? Is my breath okay? Do people really want to know that I probably will not remember them since I have to worry about the lives of 200 students, myself and a husband each day and I cannot handle another life? How do I eat this food? Who are you? Do people really want to know that we prefer to be at home at the moment?

The art teacher has more topics to choose from since he works at the school the fundraiser was addressing, and he could dart in between people discussing kids, golf, and the occasional smoke. Yet even he got caught with a chicken wing in his mouth (to avoid the stomach wrech) as a former teacher wanted his deep intellectual thoughts. Can he really address an issue with a chicken wing in his mouth?

The morning after a surreal experience like last night, I catalog the moments I spoke to someone to make sure I sounded at least a little intelligent. However, I can think of possibly three times I approached the small talk with the wrong topic or the wrong person who also didn't want to talk. I was trying to hide and watch the people as a wanderer is apt at doing, but someone would come up seeking some deep tidbit. Even the wait staff stopped to hear some small talk. What do I say? While chugging coffee to help relieve my wine-induced brain, I believe I repeated myself three times on how coffee does not affect me.

This is why I usually photograph events. Today, my throat is sore from screaming at people who sat 2 feet away from me (the acoustics were terrible), my head is a little sore (from nervously drinking wine), and my brain is tired (from sorting through surreal events such as a Corvette hitting a BMW on the way home with two Georgians and loud mother in a small space). Oh well, I can hide away for another year.

Weekends

2006-10-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

Waking up with the cool fog, I pull the covers closer to my chin, snuggle a little closer to the warm body next to me, and pray the morning won't end.

All during the week, I work for the weekend morning, the mornings when I don't have to get up and start thinking. Coffee is more enjoyable on the weekends. The thoughts bound between two covers get read. We don't have children during the weekends to wake us up early like they do during the week. Our bodies can relax from the lifting, conjoling, counseling, peer mediating, and psychoanalyzing we do several hours during the weekdays.

My eyes are opening and my thoughts start to turn to the stack of notebooks needing my analysis--why couldn't they just do their homework?--and the laundry that NEEDS to be done. I shut my eyes and hope the morning can last a little bit longer.

But alas, the morning is almost over and tomorrow is Monday.

A Post

2006-09-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

So...my mate has been saying I should start a blog.

however, i prefer to travel around reading blogs instead of writing blogs.

If my wanderings require some comments, I will post them.
If my wanderings require some deep thoughts, I will blog.

please don't hold out for some deep moments.

I am just wandering through.