Life Progressing Forward

Growing up is hard. Actually, figuring out what life goals you want to work for and when is the correct time in your life to move forward is difficult to discern. What are the milestones one works for? As a kid, you know the expectations for a good chunk of your life:

1. Graduating elementary school by age 10 or 11 (depending on when the school allowed you to start).
2. Graduating middle school and then high school in a timely manner.

For me, the next milestone was completing undergraduate degree, which was completed in the usual 4 years. Suddenly, I had to decide how to use my degree. What do I want to be when I finish school? Continue my job with washingtonpost.com as a news photography editor? Work in a research lab? Start a Masters program? At this time, I knew I wanted to be a teacher because I noticed I would sit in lectures and analyze the teaching styles of professors, critical of them for making a simple explanation complicated. However, I also decided to join the Peace Corps and volunteer my time before starting any other career. I moved to San Francisco, CA, on a whim with the knowledge I was going to the South Pacific. I couldn’t believe otherwise…both parents in Peace Corps, a strong desire to see other cultures, understanding that differences exist between cultures…who wouldn’t send me? Then the letter arrived stating my health status rejected me from the program. I cried when I received that letter because so much thought went into that life decision. What do I do now?

I spent the next 7 months agonizing on what my next step should be. Do I volunteer somewhere else? Do I go back to school? Do I stay in California or travel the world like I wanted?

I have a difficult time working or studying when no purpose or goal exists.

Interestingly, the decision turned into a direction I was never expecting. I found my mate or rather we found each other at an art show. When we met, I was still in turmoil, and even told him not to get attached.

The other little issue I was dealing with at the time was massive debt, which doesn’t disappear as you figure out your life. So, California I stayed, got married, and I added to my debt when I decided it was time to start that teaching idea I had a couple of years before.

Now several years later, I hit that question again—what do I work for now? I have been teaching for almost 5 years and the task is less daunting every year, my mate and I are strong or as strong as any married couple can be, and my debt has a foreseeable end.

I thought the pregnancy would give me clarity, but only muddied the waters more. The miscarriage added more mud. I thought this is what I wanted to work for…but how do you work for a baby? For those of you out there, the process of “trying” to have a baby leads to endless disappointment. Waiting for the probable event is easier for me with less cognition of ovulation and depressing menstrual cycles.

Today I startled my mate with this several month headache of mine of not knowing where we were going. Baby or no baby? Move or no move? He and I painfully unraveled this dilemma, and I now feel better. I know what to work for…or at least until life forces me to make the next step in growing up.