Large Families

Large families have interesting dynamics. Unless you are in a large family, you would not understand the dialogues, the jokes, and characters that exist within a large family. Two people should not have more than two (maybe three but you are pushing it) children in order to give enough attention to them. For those of you with more than two (or three) children, ask your children in 10 years how they feel about their siblings and their lack-of-attention issues...and see. Maybe I am wrong.

Every sibling within a large family (I am speaking of 6+ children) seeks attention. The attention seeking may be quiet, it may be direct, it may be mean and negative or nice and positive. However, once the attention is received, many children from large families do not know what to do with it, and usually overcompensate or want it to go away. Even as we get older and separate from each other, we have difficulties handling attention...in a public arena, you may be the quiet one, the actor/actress, the party animal, the one who sabotages, or the motherly one. Everyone is competing to be the smartest child, the most clever, the favorite, the most talented (whatever that means), the best cook, the best listener, the best writer, the most sober drinker, the most successful (again, whatever that would include), and who embodies what he/she should. Everyone in a large family (including parents) always seem to know you better than yourself.

You let them into your thoughts a little, but never completely, because again, we are not sure what to do with the attention. However, with the little information they know of you, your life completely unfolds before them. The decision you made five years ago is still a bad decision even if you are content and happy with your life. Your life is not what it should be because they know what grandiose person "you could have been" or "was". Now, let me know, has every decision you made been completely right?

Most of the time I "wing" my life. However, a quote from a sister-in-law sums up the concept of "winging" it: "At least you look good while doing it, so no one knows". As long as you know what to say, know when to be quiet, know when to pretend you know exactly what someone wants you to do, then usually you can wing something. You may not be able to wing intricate surgery, but hey, I hack up a chicken once a week...I probably could "wing" an amputation. Now you must remember, I am "young" so obviously I don't know myself well enough, so any decision I make must be wrong, because I cannot possibly know that I cannot forsee the future. If that makes sense, please read on. Do you see why siblings live far apart but miss each other greatly?

Watching two large families has been an interesting experience. One family has had more years to simmer on the stove than the other, so I can forsee how the other could potentially turn out. In addition, I can see how bad habits die hard, as similar quirks and petty arguments and jealousies last. The one aspect no child from a small family or single-child family could understand is the nature of sibling support. I walk with my head high because I know I have 4 brothers, 2 sisters, 4 sister-in-laws, 4 brother-in-laws, that would kick anyone's a** if he/she messed with me. Who else can you get in trouble with by working out an elaborate plan to steal cookies or designing a road trip to New York City at the age of 17?

Each family has the lone single child married into the family. I feel for those two and any friend who desperately tried to join the "gang" because the learning curve is rough. Full-contact board games are dramatic for the average layperson, but hey, they made it and keep with the family! Once in, you never leave because how could you lose the support? Trivia Pursuit, anyone?

Now, these are my thoughts on large families from my lone perspective as child #4 in a family of 7. Making assumptions means I open a Pandora's box of comments expressing how I missed the mark and how dare I assume the life of one of my siblings or married-into siblings...but hey, I wouldn't trade in either family. On the other hand, I won't subject my own children to the traumas of a large family. Again, if you are not part of a large family, you don't understand the trauma and disfunctions. Amputations, road trips, dysfunctions, drinking, and the occasional therapy session (or two) are merely simple descriptions. Don't open the box.